097: “Sleep when the baby sleeps”: Maternal gaslighting or essential advice?

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In the early postpartum days—when sleep becomes currency, chaos, crisis, and too often seems just out of reach—one phrase gets thrown around again and again: “Sleep when the baby sleeps.”

You’ve likely heard it. It’s a familiar refrain for those in the throes of bone-deep exhaustion. For years, we’ve heard this advice ourselves, watched it get tossed around social media, seen it bashed in headlines or glorified as life-saving , and wondered what moms really thought about it. So recently, we decided to poll Two Truths readers to learn more about how the phrase (we’ll call it ‘SWTBS’ for short) really lands. The 4,800 responses show that, as it turns out, moms have strong—and often conflicting—feelings about it:

• 19% of you said you love sleeping when your kids sleep

• 41% of you wish you could do it more

• Another 41% struggle with the real-life application of ‘SWTBS’

The advice sometimes helps us (a whisper of permission to rest in a world that rarely grants mothers any). It also bothers us, reminding us of the gaping holes in support systems, and—more generally—ignoring how many families function. One Two Truths reader noted, “perfect advice for the first-born”; another simply asked, “How?”

Some also said the advice was misunderstood; for others, it marked the beginning of something darker: “This is when the indoctrination starts,” one Two Truths reader told us. “‘Sleep when the baby sleeps’—because there is no other form of support. This is how we show mothers they are all on their own, disguised by offering the shallowest of advice. It’s culturally accepted gaslighting—‘supporting’ mothers while putting everything on their shoulders.”

So what’s the truth?

This week, we’re sharing your responses and our reflections on the phrase ‘SWTBS’, whether it helped or hurt, and what it reveals about how we treat mothers in the postpartum period.