More Discipline That’s Actually Backed By Research

Source: Monstera Production/Pexels

Earlier this year, I wrote a newsletter on discipline that quickly became my most popular newsletter to date. I wrote this newsletter because I was frustrated with the lack of concrete guidance on discipline in the parenting world. Most parenting advice I see on the internet includes a lot of vague theoretical ideas (“Be a confident leader!” “Behavior is communication!”) and a lot of what you should not do (“Don’t say ‘good job’ or ‘I’m proud of you’!”) , but very little about what you actually can do. Our lives as parents are so complicated that we often just need some concrete tools to get through the day but in all of the parenting content that I consume daily (which is a lot), I rarely see this type of specific guidance.

Many parents are surprised to find out that research actually provides a lot of concrete strategies for parents. Critics may argue that most of the strategies supported by research are based on behaviorism, which these critics would claim focuses only on whether your child is behaving appropriately and not your child’s internal experience. These critics would argue that children aren’t dogs being trained to fetch and we should be more worried about our child’s internal experience than whether they behave. They would also argue that parenting isn’t about raising a mini-me who does whatever you ask but developing a lifelong relationship with another human being who ultimately has their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Of course, as a child psychologist, I couldn’t agree more with this sentiment, but I also think it is possible to use these behavioral approaches while also considering your child’s internal experience and fostering a healthy and loving parent-child relationship. It’s also important to remember that we are raising our kids to live in a world in which behavioral rewards and consequences are here to stay (whether you agree that this is how the world should be or not). For example, your child’s salary as an adult will likely be based on their job performance and not their connection with their boss. Your child can also expect to get a ticket if they run a red light even if they are distracted by grief over losing a loved one. I would argue that a child’s internal experience and connection to others definitely matter, but so does learning behaviors that will help