New Podcast Release: Shermin Kruse

In this episode of Lives Well Lived, Kasia de Lazari-Radek and I speak with Shermin Kruse, author of Stoic Empathy and the semi-autobiographical novel Butterfly Stitching, about the moment in her childhood that shaped her idea of tactical empathy. At nine years old, she stood in a marketplace in Iran facing a morality guard with an assault rifle and watched her mother defuse the situation through calm, perceptive understanding rather than fear or anger. That helped her to become a partner in a major US law firm, handling high-stakes negotiations with Fortune 100 companies.

Our conversation moves from that early experience to the changing realities in Iran after the death of Mahsa Amini, the distinction between emotional and cognitive empathy, and why empathy can shift power even in situations of danger. Shermin also explains how stoicism fits with empathy, how the immigrant experience shaped her life, why she cannot return to Iran today, and discusses exercises, outlined in Stoic Empathy, to help us overcome our anxieties and other psychological problems.

Below are highlights from our conversation, edited for clarity. You can listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your preferred platform.

Tactical Empathy in a Life-Threatening Encounter

KASIA DE LAZARI-RADEK: Do you remember what your mother said to the Iranian morality guard who threatened to arrest you and your mother because you were not wearing a headscarf?

SHERMIN KRUSE: The timeframe was significant because this was shortly after the Iranian revolution, at the height of the Iran-Iraq war. There were up to six missile attacks a day, energy shortages, long bread lines, and hardship for everyone, including the morality police. My mom empathised with these aspects of the guard’s life. She said something like: “You must be very frustrated, because it is hot, because there are missile attacks, and because you are endlessly just telling people over and over again to cover their hair.” That immediately diffused tension. She then explained that I had just come of age, that we were in a rush, and said she would not do it again. The most important thing she did was provide a reason for the guard to move on. As she empathised with the guard’s emotions, you could see the guard’s body language relaxing, the finger loosening on the trigger. She also helped the guard understand how it must be for us, without going into