Why Parenting Scripts Fail (and What Actually Works)
Deep Dives
Explore related topics with these Wikipedia articles, rewritten for enjoyable reading:
-
Executive functions
13 min read
The article directly discusses how children's executive functioning becomes impaired during tantrums, affecting their ability to process language and regulate emotions. Understanding the neuroscience behind executive functions would give readers deeper insight into why verbal reasoning fails during meltdowns.
-
Emotional self-regulation
19 min read
The core thesis of the article is about helping children develop self-regulation abilities. This Wikipedia article covers the developmental psychology and neuroscience of how humans learn to manage emotions, providing scientific context for the parenting strategies discussed.
-
Nonverbal communication
13 min read
The article recommends using nonverbal cues (facial expressions, posture, gestures, calming touch) instead of words during tantrums. Understanding the science of nonverbal communication would help readers appreciate why these methods are more effective than verbal scripts.
Welcome to the Parenting Translator newsletter! I’m Dr. Cara Goodwin and my goal is to take all of the scientific research that is out there on parenting and child development and translate it into information that is useful, accurate, and relevant for parents. My new book, What To Do When You Feel Like Biting, just came out and you can order it from Amazon here or from other retailers here. The next book in the series is What To Do When It’s Time To Calm Down, is also available for pre-order here. If you already ordered my book, please leave an Amazon Review. Even if your review is only a few words, it will help support my book and mission! Thank you in advance!
It seems that every parenting expert on the internet has a “script” for what to say when your child is having a tantrum or meltdown. Some parenting influencers even imply that if you say exactly the right words at the right time, your child’s tantrum will will magically be “tamed.”
One of the most popular parenting accounts Big Little Feelings suggests that parents use scripts like this: “You’re frustrated because I won’t let you eat the dog food. It’s okay to feel frustrated.” [Also, try saying this with a straight face— I’ll bet you can’t!] These influencers then go on to claim that using scripts like this is: “the first and most critical step toward decreasing the intensity and duration of tantrums.”
It seems too good to be true, right? With promises like this, you might find it hard to believe that most psychologists actually recommend using very few words (or no words) during a tantrum. Research finds that using verbal explanation or reasoning in the heat of the moment doesn’t really seem to work, meaning that it doesn’t produce consistent or lasting change in behavior. A recent study also found that children tend to get more frustrated when parents label and empathize with their negative emotions. Most parents seem to agree with this research, reporting that these scripts often fall flat when their child is in the middle of a meltdown. Psychologist Mona Delahoke notes on her website that she polled hundreds of parents, and four out of five parents said that labeling emotions during a tantrum backfires, meaning it makes the child more
...This excerpt is provided for preview purposes. Full article content is available on the original publication.