The fragility of goodness and struggling with illness
Deep Dives
Explore related topics with these Wikipedia articles, rewritten for enjoyable reading:
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Audre Lorde
16 min read
The author explicitly references Lorde's cancer diaries and her philosophy of self-realization through multiple selves. Lorde's life as a poet, essayist, and activist who wrote powerfully about her own cancer experience provides deep context for understanding the author's philosophical approach to illness.
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Spinoza's Ethics
19 min read
Spinoza's Ethics is quoted directly in the article's conclusion about finding goodness through difficult paths. Understanding Spinoza's concept of blessedness and his geometric method of philosophical reasoning enriches the author's argument that flourishing is possible even in adversity.
When two weeks or so ago I went to the ER with rapidly growing pain, I knew already the news would not be good. They did testing to see what was causing the pain. Then it turned out, after we had tried surgery, radiotherapy and immunotherapy, that thrice the cancer got the better of us.
Now, barring some clinical trial with amazing breakthrough I can expect 1 to 2 years. Those are pooled numbers. It could be significantly longer, depending on how I respond to life-extending chemo which will not cure me but keep cancer at bay, hopefully, for a good while.
The best I can do now is sit with this somber news, and to ramble a bit on topics here below. These ramblings did not seem to come together into a coherent essay, but may be interesting for you to read nonetheless.
On the efficacy of prayer
These past months, I prayed with the fervor of a foxhole theist. I prayed and prayed until I felt numb and unloved, and I can’t feel the point anymore. Please God, the three previous treatments all failing can you give me a few more months with this one? Having suffered excruciating pain, can I have less pain now? The normal routes of healing exhausted, should I now pray for a miracle?
It’s clear that my healing either is not in God’s plans, or disease is outside his domain (for instance, according to Maimonides’s distinction between general and special providence, God only providentially deals with rational creatures, not with the workings of nature in general which he set up and continuously acts to work as they should). I do not want to think God wills my suffering somehow. I prefer Schleiermacher's idea that it is a foreseen but unwanted byproduct of how creation works. Creation works with lots of suffering involved.
Should I then pray for the crumbs of years more? Don't get me wrong, I crave these crumbs very much.
Writing and flourishing
Part of why I crave the crumbs is my work and my writing. Before I got ill I had no idea that writing was so important to me. I would like to write more and develop more as a writer.
I realize writing is a vital part of my life. As vital as being a mother to my kids, a spouse, an artist, a musician (sadly
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