The Gender War Post to End All Gender War Posts

“We used to say ‘you’re not in traffic, you are the traffic.’ That’s what the Gender War was like. Everyone complaining about the opposite sex in public. Blaming everyone else but themselves. Well, I almost think-pieced the mother of my children.” I’m standing on a dais in front of the Gender War Memorial, only a single withered Millennial in a long line of withered Millennials who have come to confess their part in the conflict. I cough, trying to focus on the words even as my hands shake.

“It was back in the twenties and I was trying to be funny. Everyone was always trying to be funny. The whole concept of the essay was that I would lie and reverse the household duties. I would pretend that I was a stay-at-home dad and that she woke up every morning at three o’clock to start her corporate job. Then I’d talk about things like how I had to stay on top of her about her weight and force her onto various diets while I became addicted to buying expensive novelty pajamas for our children. You get the point. I wanted to demonstrate that her life was easy and mine was hard and that if you reversed the genders it would be obvious. Never-you-mind that every life has its own challenges, or that she was up with the baby all night. We told ourselves it was normal to air all of your most intimate relationship details on the internet as long as you loosely attached it to an overarching societal trend, disguising the almost unimaginable violation of trust. Thank God I asked her if it was okay before I posted it. I was so close. My name should be there on the wall of accusers.”

I point my wobbling old man finger at the wall. I’m looking down at my shoes by the end. There are tears in my eyes. I almost don’t hear the polite chime signaling the end of my time. A chorus of young people call out the ritual chant, after my confession —as they will chant with all the others— “this is what happens when you don’t have friends in real life or a community! It’s okay to keep some things to yourself!”

I nod at the wisdom in that.

I step off the dais to make room for the next public confessional. My family waits below