Dispatch #2: On Broken Systems

I’m not sure why we don’t love ourselves enough, to let go of things that hurt us. The hurt doesn’t have to be something so profound, it’s not always glass shattering heartbreak or physical pain. Sometimes, it’s a faint prick, dull aches that come and go but clear signs that something’s not quite right. If you leave it long enough or endure it long enough it can bruise, it can really be a sign of something so much deeper. It’s so strange that we’re in a way inclined to be negligent towards ourselves but immediately jump at the chance to shield a friend away from the same kind of pain. It’s crazy that we actively do this to ourselves, like why do I ignore the big red fucking signs that tell me to reboot my system, update the way I function. Instead I’ll press on, ‘remind me tomorrow’ and I’ll participate in the same cycle until I’m forced to install change. Somehow, it seems that part of the human condition, or at least mine, is to wait until I can’t function properly. You pile on the pain instead of just hitting refresh, delete or update so you can operate at your optimal. 

I really do think about it often, why we are so unwilling to help ourselves. Is it disillusionment? Do we think we’re deserving of or don’t deserve better? 

I think a big part of it is accountability. When we choose not to do anything we let life and our external surroundings take the reign. Things happen to us and it’s so much easier to play the victim and not take responsibility for the decisions we make. In truth, living with integrity is exacting. I listened to a podcast today on what it means to live with integrity and it’s simple really, when you live in alignment of what you feel to be true, you will be happier. It’s not really rocket science but I think it is something we sometimes forget to do or refrain from doing. The point really being, is that we need to be realistic with ourselves, get uncomfortable and vulnerable to get to a point where we stop allowing outdated cycles of discontent to continue.

I know I am a repeat offender of this type of behaviour and I’ve created so many false realities just to avoid being uncomfortable and challenging myself. I’d rather