Self-determination theory

Based on Wikipedia: Self-determination theory

The Three Things Everyone Needs

Here's a question that has puzzled parents, teachers, coaches, and therapists for generations: why do some people throw themselves into challenges with genuine enthusiasm while others need constant prodding just to get started?

The answer, according to four decades of psychological research, comes down to three fundamental human needs. Not food, water, and shelter—those are biological necessities. These are psychological needs, and when they're satisfied, something remarkable happens: people become self-motivated. They don't need carrots dangled in front of them or sticks waved behind them. They just go.

The three needs are autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Simple words, but they unlock something profound about human nature.

Where This Theory Came From

In the 1970s, psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan started noticing something strange in their research. The conventional wisdom said that rewards motivate people—give someone a bonus for good work, and they'll work harder. But the data told a different story.

Deci ran an experiment where people worked on puzzles. Some were paid for solving them. Others weren't paid anything. Then, when the official experiment ended, researchers secretly watched to see who kept playing with the puzzles during a "free time" break.

The people who hadn't been paid kept playing. The people who had been paid? They stopped.

This was counterintuitive. Shouldn't the reward make people like the activity more? Instead, it seemed to poison something. The paid participants had started thinking of puzzle-solving as work—something you do for money—rather than something intrinsically enjoyable.

Deci and Ryan spent the next decade investigating this phenomenon. In 1985, they published a book called "Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior" that laid out their full theory. It's been refined and expanded ever since, spawning thousands of studies across education, healthcare, sports, business, and therapy.

Intrinsic Versus Extrinsic: The Fundamental Divide

Before we get to the three needs, we need to understand the distinction that started it all.

Intrinsic motivation means doing something because the activity itself is satisfying. A kid building with Legos isn't thinking about college applications or career preparation. They're building because building is fun. A musician practicing scales late at night isn't calculating their return on investment. They're practicing because they love the feeling of their fingers moving smoothly across the keys.

Extrinsic motivation means doing something to get a separate outcome. Studying for a grade. Working for a paycheck. Exercising to lose weight. The activity is just a means to an end.

Neither type is inherently good or bad. We all need extrinsic motivation sometimes—few people would clean toilets for pure enjoyment. But intrinsic motivation is more powerful, more sustainable, and more connected to well-being. When you're intrinsically motivated, you don't need willpower. You don't need discipline. You don't need someone checking up on you.

You just want to do the thing.

The First Need: Autonomy

Autonomy doesn't mean independence or isolation. It doesn't mean doing everything yourself or refusing help from others. Autonomy means feeling like the author of your own actions—like you're choosing your path rather than being pushed down it.

The opposite of autonomy is feeling controlled. When someone dictates exactly what you must do, when you must do it, and how you must do it, your sense of autonomy evaporates. Even if you would have chosen to do that exact thing anyway, having it imposed on you changes your relationship to it.

Consider the difference between choosing to help a friend move and being obligated to help because they called in a favor. The physical activity is identical. But one feels like a gift you're giving; the other feels like a debt you're repaying.

Research consistently shows that when people feel autonomous, their performance improves, their creativity increases, and their well-being rises. When they feel controlled, all of these decline—even if the external circumstances are otherwise favorable.

Interestingly, researchers have found that people will actually pay money to cause an outcome themselves rather than have it given to them. It's not just about getting what you want. It's about being the one who made it happen.

The Second Need: Competence

Competence is the feeling that you can effectively interact with your environment. You can make things happen. You can solve problems. You can learn new skills and master challenges.

This need explains why video games are so addictive. Well-designed games constantly present challenges that are just slightly beyond your current ability. You fail, you learn, you try again, you succeed. The game provides immediate, clear feedback about your competence. In real life, feedback is often delayed, ambiguous, or absent entirely.

Positive feedback fuels intrinsic motivation. When Deci gave people unexpected praise for their puzzle-solving—"You did really well at that"—their intrinsic interest in the puzzles increased. The feedback satisfied their need to feel competent.

Negative feedback has the opposite effect. Criticism, especially harsh or unconstructive criticism, undermines the sense of competence and drains intrinsic motivation. This doesn't mean we should never give negative feedback—sometimes people need to know they're doing something wrong. But the way it's delivered matters enormously.

The need for competence also explains why people often resist being helped. Unsolicited help can feel like a message that you're not capable of handling things yourself. Even well-meaning assistance can undermine someone's sense of mastery.

The Third Need: Relatedness

Relatedness is the need to feel connected to others—to care and be cared for, to belong to something larger than yourself.

Humans are social creatures. We evolved in tribes where isolation meant death. That evolutionary history left us with a deep need for connection that goes far beyond practical considerations. We don't just want other people around for what they can do for us. We want to feel genuinely connected to them.

Research on adolescents shows that satisfaction or frustration of this need for relatedness predicts psychological functioning and developmental growth. Teenagers who feel connected to family, friends, or community show better outcomes across nearly every measure. Those who feel isolated or rejected struggle.

This need intersects with the other two in interesting ways. High-quality relationships—the kind where you feel truly known and valued—tend to support your autonomy and competence rather than threatening them. A good mentor doesn't make you feel dependent; they help you become more capable. A good friend doesn't try to control you; they support your choices while offering honest feedback.

What Happens When Needs Go Unmet

When these three needs are satisfied, people flourish. They're motivated, engaged, creative, and psychologically healthy.

When the needs are thwarted, things go wrong.

Blocking someone's autonomy leads to resentment, rebellion, or passive compliance without genuine engagement. Think of the employee who does exactly what they're told—no more, no less—because they've given up on having any real agency in their work.

Undermining competence leads to helplessness and anxiety. People stop trying because they don't believe they can succeed. They develop what psychologists call "learned helplessness"—a belief that their actions don't matter.

Denying relatedness leads to loneliness and alienation. People may become withdrawn, or they may desperately seek connection in unhealthy ways.

The theory predicts that chronic frustration of these needs doesn't just make people unmotivated—it damages their well-being in measurable ways.

The Spectrum of Extrinsic Motivation

One of the theory's most useful contributions is recognizing that extrinsic motivation isn't all the same. There's a spectrum from fully external to nearly internal.

At one end is external regulation: doing something purely for rewards or to avoid punishment. This is the crudest form of motivation. "I'm only doing this because my boss is watching."

Next comes introjected regulation: doing something to avoid guilt or anxiety, or to maintain self-esteem. The motivation is still external in the sense that you don't genuinely value the activity, but you've internalized it enough to pressure yourself. "I should exercise. I'll feel bad about myself if I don't."

Further along is identified regulation: doing something because you've consciously recognized its value. You may not enjoy the activity itself, but you understand why it matters and have chosen to pursue it. "I don't love studying chemistry, but I understand it's necessary for the medical career I've chosen."

Finally, there's integrated regulation: doing something because it aligns with your sense of who you are. The behavior feels like an expression of your authentic self. "I maintain my health because being healthy is part of who I am."

This spectrum matters because different types of extrinsic motivation lead to different outcomes. People with more internalized motivation show better persistence, performance, and well-being than those operating from pure external pressure.

The Paradox of Rewards

Here's where things get tricky for parents, teachers, and managers.

Rewards can undermine intrinsic motivation when they're controlling—when they pressure people to behave a certain way. A kid who loves reading might start to see it as a chore if every book comes with a reward attached. The reward sends a message: "This activity is so unpleasant that we have to bribe you to do it."

But rewards can actually enhance intrinsic motivation when they're informational—when they provide feedback about competence without being controlling. "You did great work on that project" feels different from "Here's your bonus for meeting quota."

The same external factor can be motivating or demotivating depending on how it's framed and experienced. A deadline that feels arbitrary and controlling will drain motivation. A deadline that helps structure your work toward a goal you care about can actually support it.

This explains why some workplaces with generous bonuses still have disengaged employees, while some nonprofits with modest salaries have passionate ones. It's not about the size of the external reward—it's about whether the environment supports or undermines the three basic needs.

Personal Orientation: How People Differ

Not everyone responds to situations the same way. Self-determination theory identifies three orientations that describe how people typically approach decisions and actions.

People with an autonomy orientation tend to make choices based on their own interests and values. They seek out situations that offer freedom and opportunities for self-expression. They're relatively immune to external pressure.

People with a control orientation focus on the rewards and constraints in their environment. They're more responsive to what others expect of them and what outcomes their behavior will produce. They may achieve success, but often at the cost of genuine satisfaction.

People with an impersonal orientation feel helpless. They don't believe their choices matter. They experience life as something that happens to them rather than something they actively shape. This orientation is associated with depression and anxiety.

These orientations aren't fixed. They can shift based on circumstances and can be deliberately cultivated. Someone raised in a controlling environment might develop a control orientation but can learn, often through supportive relationships, to become more autonomy-oriented.

Intrinsic Goals Versus Extrinsic Goals

The theory also distinguishes between different types of goals.

Intrinsic goals are things like personal growth, meaningful relationships, contributing to community, and physical health. Pursuing these goals tends to satisfy the three basic needs and leads to greater well-being.

Extrinsic goals are things like wealth, fame, and image. There's nothing wrong with wanting money or recognition, but research suggests that people who prioritize these goals above intrinsic ones tend to be less happy, even when they achieve what they're after.

This might explain why so many successful people feel empty despite their achievements. If you climb the ladder of external success without satisfying your needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness, you end up rich or famous but still unfulfilled.

The key question isn't just what goals you're pursuing, but why. Someone who wants money for freedom and security is in a different psychological position than someone who wants money for status and validation.

What This Means for Helping Others

One of the most practical implications of self-determination theory concerns how we motivate and help other people.

Parents, teachers, coaches, therapists, and managers all face the same challenge: how do you get someone else to do something? The traditional answers—rewards, punishments, pressure, guilt—often backfire. They might produce compliance, but they undermine genuine motivation.

The theory suggests a different approach: create conditions that satisfy the three basic needs.

To support autonomy, offer choices. Explain the reasons behind requests rather than just issuing commands. Acknowledge the other person's perspective, even when you disagree. Minimize coercive language like "you must" and "you have to."

To support competence, provide structure and clear expectations. Offer optimal challenges—not so easy as to be boring, not so hard as to be frustrating. Give feedback that's informational rather than evaluative. Celebrate progress rather than just outcomes.

To support relatedness, be genuinely interested in the other person. Listen. Show that you care about them, not just about what they can do for you. Create environments where people can form connections with each other.

This approach requires patience. It's faster to just tell people what to do. But the motivation that develops when needs are supported is more durable and more powerful than anything you can create through external pressure.

The Limits of Helping

Self-determination theory contains an important insight for anyone in a helping role: you cannot motivate another person. You can only create conditions where their own motivation can flourish.

As researchers put it: "Therapists who fully endorse self-determination principles acknowledge the limits of their responsibilities because they fully acknowledge that ultimately people must make their own choices."

This can be frustrating. We want to help. We can see what someone should do. Why can't we just make them do it?

But the attempt to force motivation is self-defeating. The more you push, the more you undermine the very autonomy that genuine motivation requires. The best you can do is create the right environment, offer support, and trust the process.

People have to find their own "why." You can help them discover it, but you can't give it to them.

Connection to Smartphones and Children

Understanding self-determination theory casts new light on challenges like helping children use smartphones safely.

The controlling approach—strict rules, surveillance, punishments—might produce compliance while parents are watching. But it does nothing to develop intrinsic motivation for healthy technology use. The moment the external controls disappear, so does the behavior.

A self-determination approach would look different. It would involve conversations about why certain limits matter, helping children understand the genuine reasons behind them. It would offer choices within boundaries, letting children have some agency in how they manage their technology use. It would support their competence by teaching them to recognize when they're being manipulated by app designers. It would maintain connection—the relatedness need—so that children feel comfortable coming to parents with questions or concerns rather than hiding their online lives.

None of this is easy. And sometimes external controls are necessary, especially for younger children who haven't yet developed the capacity for self-regulation. But the goal, eventually, is for children to want to use technology healthily—not because someone is making them, but because they genuinely understand and value what healthy use looks like.

The Humanistic Roots

Self-determination theory emerged from the humanistic psychology tradition, which views humans as naturally oriented toward growth and fulfillment. This puts it at odds with behaviorist approaches that see humans as essentially passive, responding mechanically to stimuli and rewards.

The humanistic view is more optimistic. It suggests that people have inherent tendencies toward development and integration. Given the right conditions, they will naturally move toward health and well-being.

But—and this is crucial—those positive tendencies don't operate automatically. They require an environment that supports the three basic needs. In a hostile environment, people's natural growth tendencies can be suppressed or distorted.

This gives us a hopeful but realistic picture of human nature. We're not blank slates waiting to be shaped by rewards and punishments. We're not saints who will automatically behave well. We're organisms with inherent positive potential that flourishes or withers depending on our conditions.

Why This Matters

Self-determination theory isn't just academic. It has practical implications for nearly every domain of life.

In education, it suggests that students will learn better when they have some choice in what and how they learn, when they're challenged at the right level, and when they feel connected to teachers and peers.

In healthcare, it suggests that patients will follow treatment plans better when they understand and endorse the reasons behind them, not when they're simply told what to do.

In the workplace, it suggests that employees will be more productive and creative when they have autonomy in how they do their work, when they can develop mastery, and when they feel part of a team that matters.

In parenting, it suggests that children will develop better when they have appropriate freedom, when they're supported in developing competence, and when they feel securely connected to their caregivers.

In all these domains, the message is the same: sustainable motivation comes from within. External pressure can produce short-term compliance, but it undermines the long-term goal. The path to helping others thrive is to create conditions where their own natural motivation can emerge.

Three needs. Autonomy, competence, relatedness. They're simple to state but profound in their implications. Satisfy them, and people flourish. Thwart them, and people struggle. Understanding this is the beginning of understanding what makes us tick.